The Best Comeback of all Time
applied to perfection
You all should be witnessing the Peewee resurgence as it is all over the internet inspired by his new HBO posthumus documentary. Peewee has been huge in my life and the biggest take away for me was not about his “crimes”. What I had not realized was that Peewee was not just being incredible in his playhouse, he was actually intentionally showing the kids how it’s done, and I mean creativity and curation. I don’t know why it never occured to me before that he was aware of the gift he was giving us kids. I thought he was just—being awesome.
It doesn’t go above my head that he was also kind of a dick to some of his friends…but I am not doing a deep dive here, stay with me.
In my tiny microcosm, those weird videos I used to make on youtube, Tesla has been sometimes a “Peewee”, a person who can play any gender and a person who can lose herself into a character although she has not yet reached the highest of stages, in fact the stage she currently is working on is
the sales floor (no Floory) at my local Lowes.
No stage is beneath her! She continues to give although we don’t always know she is giving. She is a head cashier. Sometimes she oversees the self checkout, sometimes she does other stuff, sorry, I don’t know all the goings on.
On the day in question she was that person helping other cashiers when they needed assistance, you know the one, the one you hope comes quickly if something goes wrong when you are checking out or else you gonna be there all fucking day standing there like an idiot.
So Tesla was pacing the floor making sure the understaffed Lowes was humming along smoothly in terms of checkout when she noticed a disturbance in the flow. A young cashier, a teenager basically, was being hassled, you know the body language, by some crusty dude who was demanding an audience and not leaving the girl’s area. As Tesla came up on the scene the she knew the vibe was off, the girl was getting uncomfortable and she heard the old Hungry Man pot pie crust say loudly, “ejaculation!” His isolated merriment affecting only him.
Tesla approached the man without hesitation, “Excuse me, you are not allowed to talk to my cashiers this way and I suggest that you leave. This language is not appropriate. and is against Lowes policy.”
The young cashier was on the edge of tears from the intensity of the man cornering her.
“Let me finish my story here— I am talking to her!” he said, trying to keep his captive cashier and refusing to leave.
“This conversation is over and you need to go now. I will not let you treat my staff this way,” said Tesla
“Well you don’t need to be such a cunt about it,” he hurled.
“I know you are but what am I,” said Tesla, not a beat skipped.
The man was enraged by the perfect and inarguable application of Peewee and approached Tesla with anger appearing that he would actually punch her. She was not afraid, as she had just delivered THE MOST PERFECT EXECUTION of Pee Wee Herman’s most famous line, she could not die.
“I am going to get your manager!” He yelled.
“Please do and they will escort you out of the store,” she replied, already won.
“I am going to Home Depot!!!” was his final death knell.
Go ahead argue- I say that Tesla delivered The perfect comeback and the most perfect delivery of ….
Long live PeeWee in the hearts of the common folk, as we are the ones who need him the most.
I am sooooo THRILLED to see you and Telsa back at it, yes truly missed. My most fave and thought of area of a skit is " Tesla, I am blind ! " and for a single shout out, " you put your scotch tape, in you take your scotch tape out" BRILL E ANCE !!!
I was doing the Peewee Tequila dance as I read this. It's the truth and I don't why anyone would doubt me.